Party Manners

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.  Emily Post, 1922

Does etiquette exist? The idea seems as quaint as the calling card. And yet, we all face situations where we wonder, “What’s the right thing to do?” Or put another way, we find ourselves in situations where we are uncomfortable and wonder, “Am I being weirdly sensitive? Behind the times?” I count myself in the latter category when I am at the dinner table with a texter. Or an e-mail checker.

I agree with Emily Post’s definition of manners. To be civilized is to be sensitive to others. One person does not make a conversation or a party.

As a host or a guest at a party, what are the rules? Opening up your home to guests, your mission is to provide a welcoming atmosphere. A guest’s task is to enjoy themselves and show appreciation for the host’s efforts and generosity.

In concrete terms? Here are some basic tips for parties.

Invitations

Invite your guests by telephone, e-mail, a written invitation, or a shout over the back fence. Give them a little time to respond. People rarely respond instantly and unfortunately, many never respond. So be prepared to follow up your invitation with a phone call to confirm. Don’t be embarrassed to do this.

Guests! Don’t assume your host will somehow know you’re coming. Be courteous and direct: say yes or no as soon as you can reasonably do so. Also, unless your host is a very good friend or your mother, don’t ask if you can bring your kids or your dog. If they are to be included, your host  will make that clear.

Naturally,  there are exceptions. If you have houseguests, for example, ask your host if it’s okay to bring them – and if it’s a big party, the answer is sure to be yes. As a host, you may not plan on having kids at your cocktail party but if you’d like to include the parents of a new baby, it is considerate to ask them to bring the baby because they may not be able to come otherwise.

Introductions

Greet your guests. If it’s a large gathering, let them know what to expect. For example, you might say, “Put your coats in the bedroom. The bar is in the living room. Help yourself, please!” Try to introduce each guest to at least one person or tell them if someone they know is already at the party.

As a guest at a large party, try not to monopolize your host who is trying to welcome everyone. It’s especially nice for a host to see guests talking and introducing themselves to new acquaintances.

What about a ‘hostess gift’? Not necessary. An act of generosity is admirable but bring a gift if you want to, not because it’s expected.

Timing

Inevitably, there will be guests who will be late but as a host, be on time. That means, be dressed and relatively calm when people arrive. If you are rushing around with beads of sweat on your upper lip, wearing a grease stained apron, your guests will get nervous. They won’t think ‘Party!‘, they’ll think ‘Work’. So just stop whatever it is you’re doing about thirty minutes before people arrive, get dressed, and be ready to greet.

You’ve been invited to a party at 7:00. Don’t be early. It’s not great to be late either but it really puts a strain on your host if you show up when the shower’s still running.

What’s For Dinner?

When you’re planning the food for a party, especially a large one, it is considerate to have one or two non-meat choices. If you’re serving alcohol, be sure to have some water and juice as well. Be prepared to point out any dishes that might pose a problem to guests with specific food issues but do not feel you must ask every guest what they can and can not eat.

As a guest, take responsibility for what you eat at a party. Ask your host to tell you if there are foods you must not eat but do not expect your host to provide you with a separate meal. If children are included at the party and they are beyond infancy, do not bring special food for them. Assume your host will be feeding everyone. If your children only eat certain foods, feed them in advance.

What about hanging out in the kitchen? Everyone seems to do this and often, it’s just fine, even helpful. Sometimes, guests are in the way. Be sensitive to what will make your host most comfortable.

A Lamb Chop for a Lamb Chop

My grandmother’s expression. She believed that if you accept an invitation you have duty to return it. I see her point but with time, I have realized I don’t agree. Some of the best guests hate to give parties. And many hosts would much rather throw a party than go to one. You’d have to be crazy to exclude interesting people just because you haven’t been invited to their house.

Having a Good Time

As a host, you’ll know that a party is a success by the noise and the laughter. With some advance planning, good food and drink, and a compatible group, you can count on a successful party.  You will have made your guests welcome and comfortable and after that, a good party has a life of its own.

Say, guest, did you had a good time? Acknowledge it! Telephone, e-mail or even write a thank-you note within a few days of the party. You need to let your host know you enjoyed yourself.

 Recently, Kate Welch of KBOO, a radio station in Portland, Oregon spoke to me about this subject of manners and etiquette and asked a thoughtful question. “Right now, times are tough for many people. Do you think parties serve a purpose?” I felt she was asking whether there is a frivolous quality to party-giving in a solemn climate. Well, I think the times offer all the more reason to get together. Comfort and enlightenment come from social interaction.

A few years back, I was at a dinner party with about 10 guests. At a certain point, the whole group became involved in a serious conversation. There were several differing opinions and the talk, while not bitter, was earnest. This went on for some time without much resolution. Suddenly, one of the guests told a joke. A very good joke.

This was followed by another joke and then another. Soon, we were all laughing, wheezing, dabbing at our eyes, and holding our sides. To me, this proved just how important parties are: all of us at that table needed to talk about serious matters, even if we felt divided. And after that, we need to laugh to bring ourselves back together.

We live in a multi-cultural world that embraces flexibility. Traditions have changed but polite social behavior (perhaps a better term than etiquette) is enduring. Parties continue to be a great way to interact socially. So don’t worry about which fork to use and concentrate on the essence of good manners:  putting each other at ease.

Please your guests, thank your hosts, and consider your time well spent in the company of others. 

Party Time!

Don’t wait for summer.  Have a party now. Spring is a great time for a small party: no more than 10 people.  In fact, no more than you can fit either around your dining room table or on your living room floor.  I’m talking about dinner parties, specifically dinners with friends.   

With people you know reasonably well, a good party to have on the floor is a Moroccan Party. Here is the menu: 

Hummous tahini with pita bread 

Chicken, Lemon and Olives with Couscous

Orange Salad with Rosewater or Dried Fruits and Nuts

Mint Tea and Rose wine

Make a large enough space in your living room (you may have to move furniture) and  put down some towels or a blanket over a largish area.  Cover this with either a sheet, table cloth, bed spread or some material that looks cheery but isn’t an heirloom.  When dinner is served, guests can lounge around the perimeter with the dishes in the center.  If you are a strict purist,  you may not want to have plates or flatware but simply use the pita bread as your vehicle to propel the food to your mouth.  Otherwise, give your guests plates and forks and dig in.  Recipes for the hummous, chicken and orange salad are given below.  Follow package directions for making couscous, making sure not to use too much water or it will be mushy.  Instead of the orange salad, you might have a big tray or platter of various dried fruits and whole nuts.  It can be pretty messy but keeps everyone on the floor for quite a while.   If there is a middle-eastern grocery in your area, you can buy some sweet pastries to go with your dessert.  A word about wine: there is a Moroccan rose wine called ‘Gris de Boulouane’ but any reasonably dry rose with go well with this menu.   Don’t forget candles and music.                                                                      

Another possible floor party is the Indian Party:

Sabz Ghost (Lamb stew with Coconut Milk)

Makhani Dal and Cucumber Raita

Basmati Rice, Chutney and Naan bread

Coconut Sorbet

Beer and Black tea

Because this Indian meal can be served lukewarm or room temperature, there’s no rush to get to the table so consider something a little rousing for your guests before sitting down (or lounging if you’re really taken with that idea).  Take advantage of the evening light and have a croquet match or a badminton game before dinner.  If you have no outdoor space or it’s raining, consider an Indian parlor game.  I have read about some extraordinary ones such as Ticklin’ Feather (quite gentle) and British Bulldog (a bit rough).   Recipes follow for the lamb, dal, raita and ice cream.  I do have a recipe for naan but it is fairly easy to buy so, I won’t include it unless hounded to do so.  Chutney and lime pickle are also easily purchased. 

When making basmati rice, remember to rinse it first, and cook it in only 1 1/2 times the amount of (salted) water to rice for about ten minutes.  Leave it covered and fluff it before serving.

Don’t have a Brazilian Party on the floor.  Eat while dancing. 

Caipirinhas

Roast Pork and Sausages

Black Beans and Rice

Orange and Red Onion Salad

Heart of  Palm salad

Greens, Farofa and Hot Sauce

Caramel Flan

 There are a lot of elements to this dinner but it’s a good one for vegetarians and non-vegetarians alike since the meats are cooked and served separately.  Farofa is ground manioc flour that is toasted and sprinkled over greens.  It is easy to prepare but not that easy to find unless you have some Brazilian source near you.  Nevertheless, I’m including the recipe because it is such a delicious accompaniment to the meal.  Be sure to play Brazilian music and warn the neighbors in advance. 

Now, these parties involve a little cooking but! It can all be done in advance.  Set it all up and when that doorbell rings, you’ll be there wearing something festive and primed to mingle.

The Moroccan Party:

 Hummous tahini

  • 1 can chickpeas                                                                                                                                                                                          
  • 2 – 4 tablespoons sesame tahini
  • 1 lemon, squeezed
  • 1 small clove garlic, minced or pressed
  • Salt                                                                                                                                                                                                         
  • Olive oil

In a food processor or blender or with the back of a wooden spoon, mash the chickpeas with a little of their liquid.  Stir in the tahini with an equal amount of water. Add the garlic and lemon juice.  Season with salt and taste.  You may need more lemon, tahini and salt.  Taste until it is seasoned to your liking (but don’t stress about this – the flavors do develop with a little time).  Film the top with olive oil and serve with pita bread.

Chicken with Lemons and Olives                                                                                                                                              This dish has many variations but this particular one has a lot of shortcuts (using boneless chicken, for example).  Ras el hanout (which means ‘top of the shop’) is a spice mixture that can be bought or made.  Vann’s spice company makes a version of it.  I’ll include a simple recipe for it as well as for preserved lemons.  If you don’t want to make preserved lemons, you can substitute fresh lemons.  Use the best quality chicken you can find for this – it makes a difference. 

  • 5 pounds boneless chicken thighs
  • 1 cup chopped parsley
  • 3/4 cup chopped onions
  • 3 cloves garlic, chopped
  • Salt                                                                                                                                                                                                             
  • 1/2 teaspoon saffron   (more if you have it and want to part with it)
  • 1 tablespoon ras el hanout
  • 3/4 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/4 cup butter
  • 3 cinnamon sticks                                                          
  • 2 preserved lemons  (or fresh – but if you have time, try to make the preserved ones)
  • 1/2 cup lemon juice   
  • 8 olives, pitted and chopped (such as Kalamata olives)

Put the chicken into a large pot.  Add 2/3 cup of the parsley, the garlic, onion, salt, spices, half of the butter and the cinnamon sticks.  Add 2 cups of water and bring to a boil.  Simmer covered for about 40 minutes.  Chicken should be very tender.  Remove the chicken from the broth and remove the skin (if there is any).  Remove the cinnamon sticks from the broth.

Reduce the broth by boiling it to a thick rich sauce (about 2 cups).  Taste for seasoning.  Add the remaining parsley, olive, lemons, lemon juice, remaining butter and the chicken and cover and cook until just hot.  Can be made a day in advance and re-heated.

Preserved Lemons

  • 2 organic or untreated lemons
  • 1/3 cup coarse salt

Wash and dry the lemons and cut each into 8 wedges.  Toss with the coarse salt and squash the lemons into a pint jar, pressing them down to bring out the juice.  Pour in more fresh lemon juice to cover (a few tablespoons, usually) and seal with a non-metallic lid.  Leave at room temperature for 7 days, shaking the jar daily to distribute the salt and juice.  Add olive oil to cover, then refrigerate.  Keeps very well – about a month.  To use: rinse the sections well in water, otherwise they will be too salty.  Preserved lemon is delicious chopped up in couscous and on grilled vegetables or fish or tuna-fish salad.

Ras el Hanout

  • 1 tablespoon ground mace
  • 4 teaspoons each: nutmeg, ginger and salt                                                                          
  • 3 teaspoons allspice
  • 2 teaspoons each: aniseed, cinnamon, black pepper, clover, turmeric                                      
  • 1 teaspoon each: cardamom, cayenne pepper

Combine all ingredients. Makes about 8 tablespoons.  Store in a small jar. 

Orange Salad with Rosewater                                                                                                                                                      Peel and slice into rounds one orange per person.  Sprinkle with rosewater and a little cinnamon and arrange on a large plate.

 

 

The Indian Party:

 

Sabz Ghost (Lamb in Coconut Milk)  

This dish can be made a day or two in advance and served hot or room temperature.  Be careful with the chilies: they do get hotter the longer they cook. 

  • 3 – 4 pounds lamb, cubed (use shoulder for a relatively inexpensive cut)
  • 1/4 cup  garlic, finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup fresh ginger, finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup cooking oil
  • 1/2 cup whole almonds
  • 1/2 cup raisins (golden or black)
  • 3 cardamom pods
  • 3 whole cloves
  • 1/2 cup plain yogurt
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1 small green chili pepper   
  • 1 small dried red pepper (remove seeds) 
  • 1 can unsweetened coconut milk        
  • 1/2 cup cilantro, chopped

Marinate lamb in the garlic and ginger for 2 hours.  In a large pot, heat the oil and fry the almonds and raisins briefly until they are light brown.  Set aside.  Using the same oil, add the cardamom, cloves and the lamb.  Cook stirring over high heat until the meat is browned.  Mix in the salt and yogurt and cook slowly until the yogurt is absorbed. 

Stir in the red and green chili peppers and half of  the chopped cilantro.  Add the coconut milk and cook slowly, stirring from time to time for about forty-five minutes to an hour.  When the lamb is tender, add the almonds and raisins.  Cover the pan and simmer to reduce the sauce, about 10 to 15 minutes. 

Taste for seasoning, adding additional coconut milk if too spicy.  Garnish with the remaining chopped coriander and serve hot, with chutney, Naan bread and rice. 

Makhani Dal                                                                                                                                                                                  Almost every Indian dinner is accompanied by some form of dal.  Split peas, dried beans or lentils are the basis of dal which is then seasoned and spiced in a myriad of ways.  Canned lentils in this recipe work well and make this an extremely easy dish to prepare.  As with the lamb, this can be made ahead and served warm or room temperature.

  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil             
  • 2 cloves garlic, chopped          
  • 1 heaping teaspoon fresh ginger, grated                               
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 2 pounds canned lentils
  • 1 pound can of pureed tomatoes
  • 10 sprigs cilantro
  • Salt and pepper
  • 1 cup cream

Heat butter and olive oil in a heavy pan and fry the garlic, ginger and chili powder for a few minutes.  Add the lentils and tomato puree, stirring well.  Separate the cilantro leaves from the stalks and chop each.  Add the chopped stalks to the lentils, season to taste with salt and pepper and leave to simmer over low heat about fifteen minutes.  Before serving, stir in the cream and the chopped cilantro leaves.

Cucumber Raita                                                                                                                                                                            Raita, a yogurt relish, cools down a hot Indian meal. 

  • 1 English cucumber, peeled and diced
  • 3 cups plain yogurt
  • 2 onions, finely chopped
  • Salt and pepper

Combine the diced cucumber, onions and yogurt.  Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Coconut Sorbet                                                                                                                                                                              There are wonderful Indian desserts and I confess this is not one of them but it does fall into the easy make-ahead category.  That said, it is very sweet (a hallmark of many Indian recipes) and you may want to double this recipe because it is very tasty!

1 can of Coco Lopez (cream of coconut – it’s sweetened)

Using a whisk, combine the cream of coconut with 1 cup of ice-cold water.  Pour into a glass baking dish ( 11 x 7 inch or and 8 inch square).  Freeze until frozen, stirring every 30 minutes (about 3 hours).  This can be make 2 days in advance.  Cover and keep frozen.  Make 2 cups.

The Brazilian Party                                                                                                                                                                             A tip of the hat to Melissa Voorhees who grew up in Brazil and Nilma Ottoni who is Brazilian for sharing their recipes.  Both wonderful cooks! 

Caipirinha: the Brazilian  cocktail!  

For this cocktail, you’ll have to prowl around and find cacacha, Brazilian cane liquor.  You can subsitute rum, but then you’ll have mojitos which are a fine substitute.

Basically, you need 1 1/2 parts lime juice to 1 part alcohol and sugar to taste (about 1 tablespoon per drink).  Make up a pitcher of these in advance and when ready to serve, be sure to fill the glasses with ice.  This is a strong one!  

Pork Loin and Sausages

  • 1 pork loin, about 3 pounds
  • 2 tablespoons cooking oil
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 2 or 3 onions, chopped
  • 4 or 5 cloves garlic, chopped
  • 2 pounds Italian sausages, mild 

Pre-heat the oven to 325. Dry the pork with paper towels and season with salt and pepper all over. In a  large pot, heat the oil and brown the pork loin on all sides.  Set aside and wipe out the pan. Add the olive oil and stir in the onions and garlic and saute a few minutes.  Place the pork on top of the onions, cover the pan and bake for 2 hours.  About 30 minutes before the end of the cooking time, prick the sausages on all sides and add the pan.

Black Beans

Cook one pound of dry black beans and then flavor with garlic or use 2 to 3 cans of cooked beans, drain and season.

Rice

For a party of 6 to 10, you’ll need 2 to 3 cups of rice, long grain or Basmati.

Orange and Red Onion salad

 

  • 4 oranges, peeled  and sliced
  • 1 medium red onion, peeled and very thinly sliced
  • Black pepper
  • Olive oil

On a large plate, arrange the orange slices and top with the red onion. Drizzle with olive oil and crack fresh pepper over all.  The fruit and onions can be cut in advance and stored separately. 

Heart of Palm Salad

  • 2 cans heart of palm, sliced into spears or rounds
  • 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar or lemon juice
  • 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
  • 6 tablespoons olive oil
  • Salt and pepper

Make a vinaigrette by mixing the mustard and vinegar and slowly adding the olive oil. Pour over the heart of palm at serving time.  Season with salt and pepper.

Brazilian style Greens

  • 2 pounds greens (kale, collard or mustard – I like kale best)
  • 2 – 3 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1 clove garlic

Wash the greens. Strip off the stems.  Make a stack of several layers of the greens, roll up tightly and slice across the roll into very thin strips.  Repeat until all the greens are shredded.  Place them in a large mixing bowl and pour boiling water over them.  Drain the water.  Heat the garlic in the olive oil in a pan large enough to hold the green.  Add the greens and toss until well coated and hot.  Check for tenderness and season with salt and pepper.  Do not overcook – the greens should keep a deep green color and be a bit crisp.

Farofa

  • 2 tablespoons butter
  • 3-4 tablespoons finely chopped onion
  • 1 clove finely chopped garlic
  • 1 cup manioc flour
  • 1/4 cup pitted and coarsely chopped black olives
  • 1 hard-boiled egg, coarsely chopped

In a small pan, melt the butter and saute the onion and garlic until soft but not browned.  Add the manioc and stir continuously on medium heat until the manioc is very lightly browned.  Watch it carefully as it burns easily.  Add the olives and egg and remove from heat. Serve at room temperature – a few spoonfuls with the greens are heavenly.

Caramel Flan

  • 6 tablespoons sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 3 egg yolks
  • 1/2 cup toasted almonds
  • 1/2 cup light brown sugar
  • 2 cups light cream

Measure sugar into an 8 inch cake pan.  Place the pan over direct heat and swirl constantly until sugar melts and turns a caramel color.  Remove pan immediately and place on a cool surface or it will burn (a cold wet cloth is good).  Let the caramel harden.  Put the eggs and yolks in a blender or food processor.  Add the almonds and brown sugar.  Add cream gradually.  Pour into the prepared pan and place in a larger pan with 1/2 inch hot water. 

Bake at 325 for 45 minutes.  Cool and refrigerate overnight or several hours.

Write with any questions and have a great party!

xoxo, Mary